after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
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Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
#SCOTUS one-star review
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Smooooooth
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”