Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”