I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
who wore it better?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.