Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
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They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
My patience has stretch marks.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back