The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.