Need this in my life lol
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If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.