The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
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My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’m going to need a moment here.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
why I oughta
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.