I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
You Might Also Like
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.