“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
When libraries troll their patrons.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.