I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
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Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.