“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
the rocks need my help
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
You got this…
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Clients after you give them your rates
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.