Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
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Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
This is no longer winter this is harassment
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
🙋♀️
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.