My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
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Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
You better watch out
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!