*cough*
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Print is alive and well!!!