Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
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So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
2022: I can fix it
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
getting corrected
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely