If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
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I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.