*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
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Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.