Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
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[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Saint West, the patron of selfies
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.