Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
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I never know how much to tip a cow.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.