Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
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Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.