Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
You Might Also Like
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.