NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
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Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym