My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
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When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato