Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
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Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I have obtained a hat
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.