Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
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I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Woke up against my better judgment again
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
*Inspirational Tweets*
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’