What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
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My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.