*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
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canadian assassins are called killergrams
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.