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If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage