Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
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If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*