If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
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In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Stop.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band