Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
You Might Also Like
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Mood.. 😂
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
how much for the angry fruit?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.