Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
This rocks
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours