Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
You Might Also Like
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.