Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
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It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.