Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
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professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby