*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
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[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.