fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
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Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Hit me in the face with a bird
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
We need more people like this.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust