Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
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[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
WTF IS THAT!
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!