Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
You Might Also Like
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.