Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
It do be feeling this way.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I think this cat is broken
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
this is literally a CIA plant