You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
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Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
My five year plan is a meteorite
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”