God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
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I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there