[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
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My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
me when I see my crush
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.