choose your fighter
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COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
want me to check your oil?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Fiction has to make sense.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.