[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.