Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name