If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Natty or not?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets