Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
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Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
What?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?