[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
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Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Morning.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.