me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
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Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Previously On Persistence 😎
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.